How to Combat Disordered Shame
“Your pains, as I hope, at the time of my death will give me courage, strength and confidence not to despair, in view of how much I have offended my Lord.”
The human condition is full of dichotomies and perplexities. We believe many seemingly incongruent things as Catholics— to serve is to reign, he who is humble will be exalted, death brings life, and so much more.
So how does shame fit into this?
I’ve been thinking so much about shame. It’s something that some argue say is a terrible thing, while others contend that shame is, in fact, a good thing.
As an example, observing the shamelessness with which men and women approach sex, treating it as cheap pleasure, is something that I find particularly disconcerting. Overt sexual licentiousness is something we should collectively shun and shame. It is deleterious to our society and degrading to the human person who is left used as a means of sexual gratification rather than a human being made in God’s own image. It would be a great good if women were less shameless in their overall flagrant immodesty. Such behavior and inclinations shape the heart of culture, as women are the heart of every home.
And yet— shame can paradoxically be a deep wound. So many women, including those who profess to be empowered, are actually suffering from immensely disordered co-mingled with legitimate shame.
“A properly formed conscience should inform our behavior— not the other way around. Yet, many of us today allow our experiences and our vices to shape our consciences.”
Shame, like all emotions, has to be properly ordered. The root of whether or not shame is inherently good or bad has to do with a properly formed conscience. The will and the intellect have to be integrated so that our emotions and disordered inclinations do not usurp our dignity.
There are many things that can cause our conscience to be malformed— the environment we are in, our catechesis (or lack thereof), and negative experiences.
More than anything, I am convinced the lies we believe about ourselves embody the deepest root of our shame.
A properly formed conscience should inform our behavior— not the other way around. Yet, many of us today allow our experiences and our vices to shape our consciences. Some of us even go so far as to try to rewrite the script by insisting that nothing is shameful— that we should be entitled to do what we please with our bodies and objectify others in the process. Or we’ll compare ourselves to others, saying, “well, at least I’m not doing that!” We assuage our consciences by changing our beliefs rather than our behaviors.
Have you ever wondered why we do this even when, at our core, we know something is wrong?
In the midst of some darkest moments of my life, I was riddled with shame. I believed a lot of terrible things about myself.
“I am not worthy of love.”
“I am unlovable.”
“I am a mistake.”
“I am broken.”
“I am a burden.”
“I’ll never do anything right.”
“I don’t deserve anything.”
“I’m the worst.”
I see now how often I’m inclined to disordered shame. Suffering from lifeline perfectionism and scrupulosity as a recipe for as much, but I can see that a proper sense of shame must be rooted in Truth and ordered towards growing in virtue. We can only attain the highest levels of virtue when we understand our Creator and our purpose.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church points us to our eternal end:
The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:
‘The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.’(Gaudium et spes) (CCC 27).
It is true that our proper end is to know, love, and serve God in this life and the next. Shame properly ordered by a well-formed conscience is the Holy Spirit and our guardian angel whispering to us when we are straying from the narrow path of virtue. Shame of this nature is a great good because it calls us to repentance and conversion.
The remedy is to rediscover the Truth. Seek the Lord, most especially in sacred scripture. God tells us over and over again how much He loves us.
I wanted to write this today for anyone who believes lies about themselves. If you are someone who struggles with shame and low self-worth, I want you to know this: You are loved. You are worthy. You have innate dignity. You are not the sum of your mistakes or the things that have happened to you.
You are a child of God. The Lord thought you needed to exist, breathed you into being, and is always knocking. He is waiting to spend all of eternity with YOU.
Here are some steps (in no particular order) you can take to reconnect with God and start the process of healing the wounds that lead you to believe the lies of satan about who you are.
Cling to the sacraments— especially the Eucharist and penance because they are both healing.
Go to adoration and spend time with our Lord asking him to reveal the parts of you that need healing.
Seek virtuous friends who can support you.
Let sacred scripture be a healing salve for your soul. We can come to know God intimately by reading about Him and praying with the Word.
Consider finding a good Catholic therapist.
Remember that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit— treat it as such. Nourish your body with real food. Sleep. Cut out things from your life that are keeping you from resting.
Embrace silence. It is in the silence we are most able to hear God and reflect.
Here are some scripture verses to memorize and pray with:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed thee, and called thee by thy name: thou art mine. When thou shalt pass through the waters, I will be with thee, and the rivers shall not cover thee: when thou shalt walk in the fire, thou shalt not be burnt, and the flames shall not burn in thee.” Isaiah 43: 1-2
“God showed His love for us in that while we were still sinners, He died for us.” Romans 5:8
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.” Ephesians 2: 4-5
“Can a mother forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these she may forget, yet I will not forget you.” Isaiah 49: 15
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear.” 1 John 4:18
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.” Psalm 139: 14
”Who is a God like you, who removes guilt and pardons sin for the remnant of His inheritance; who does not persist in anger forever, but instead delights in mercy, and will again have compassion on us, treading underfoot our iniquities? You will cast into the depths of the sea all our sins.” Micah 7:18
“Do you not know that you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?” 1 Corinthians 3: 16
“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7
“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” Jeremiah 1:5
Don’t let shame keep you from God and striving for virtue!
